Things I’ll Never Be

I just had the strangest moment.

I was walking out of Starbucks. That part isn’t strange. In fact, the barista at the location nearest camp where I teach asked me “so, are we gonna see you every morning now?” My reply, “During July? Yep.”

So that part wasn’t weird. Then I saw a pregnant woman walking across the street. She was really fit, so she carried like she had swallowed a basketball. The way I always kind of imagined I would carry because I’m so little. I felt a little pang. That part isn’t unusual either. I haven’t seen a pregnant woman without feeling that little pang for at least eight years. And then the same thought followed.

That will never be me.

This happens over and over. Sometimes more than once a day. Nothing about this is unusual, and I’ve stopped believing it will ever go away.

But here’s the weird part.

A new thought followed. Something entirely new, really. A “yopp,” if you will. (If you don’t understand that reference, please go read “Horton Hears a Who” or we can’t be friends.)

I had this crazy understanding that it’s true. That will probably never be me. I am thirty-nine years old. And if I have never been pregnant after all this time of trying and not trying and what-have-you, it seems unlikely it will ever happen. No one knows why. (Unexplained infertility. Gee. Thanks.) But it’s just not in the cards for me.

Being a mother is a big part of my life. But I have always felt a sense of loss that I never carried a child. But a new peace came today. It was as if someone tapped me on the shouldered said “You’re right. You will probably never be pregnant. You know what else you will probably never be? A farmer.”

Really, little voice? REALLY? A farmer?

I started to list all of the things I’d probably never do. Live in another country. Be a CEO on Wall Street. Learn to surf.

Now there’s a major difference between those things and being pregnant
I didn’t spend my entire life under the assumption that I would someday be a farmer. But the little voice made a fair point. There are lots of experiences I will never have. Being pregnant is one of them. One. One I really wanted, for sure. But not as much as being a Mom. Which I absolutely am.

And then I started to think of some of the ridiculous experiences I have had.

Living in NYC. Graduating from NYU. Performing Beethoven’s Ninth at Carnegie Hall. (As part of the main season.) Producing a show in the NYC Fringe Festival. Performing on the field for a sold-out stadium. Working with my favorite composer, John Bucchino. Writing a book. Having someone tell me I’ve changed their life. Having a judge declare that it is in the opinion of the court that we are the very best parents for this child.

Most people don’t get those things. Any one. Let alone all of them.

I will always feel that little pang when I see a pregnant woman. But today was different.

I just realized John Bucchino said it best. I had a glimpse of the weave.

I remembered something.
Something bigger than want, or even need.
Something that felt like contented.
I know it’s crazy, but something that felt like healed.
Something that felt like being free.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. pinkcanuck
    Jul 11, 2014 @ 13:35:09

    This post is so good! Thank you for sharing.


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