Body Clutter

I was lying on the floor, and I realized- I felt relaxed. It was a strange feeling. I hadn’t felt that way in close to a year. But there it was. Soft muscles. Clear mind. 
It reminded me of another moment of self-awareness I had recently. One that had to do with strength. I felt strong. That felt different. I knew I had felt strong before. But it had been so long it seemed new. 
Both of these moments came during hot yoga classes. They were my first real work-outs in months. And they were bringing me back to who I was before the chaos began. 
And yet. Another feeling followed. Guilt. 
I shouldn’t be spending all this time and money on feeling relaxed and strong when there are so many things to do at home. 
I did my best to say hello to that feeling, and then ask it to go away. I know it is important to take care of myself. I know I need to be healthy- physically and emotionally- to take care of my family. But it takes mental work. Especially when our house is (still) such a mess and our bank account is (still) so low. 
I will keep fighting my brain on this. Because I know that self-care is as important as any other element in taking care of my family. And because I know that a healthy Mama is a more effective Mama. 
There are other benefits, of course. I look back over pictures from the past 8 years, and the difference is clear. I don’t need to see the date on the pic to know whether I was healthy or unhealthy when it was taken. Sure, there’s a weight difference. (Something that was not part of my life until I hit about 37 and then BAM.) But I can also see the difference in my posture and the look in my eyes. 
The past year has been the most difficult of my life. I have gone from eating well and working out several times a week and running long distances, to eating whatever is fast and convenient and hurting when I get out of bed because of the tension and stress. As we heal and recover and declutter our lives, it is time for me to declutter my body. 

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